If I said that I do not care about what others think of me, it would be a lie. Truth is, I’m pretty damn shy and insecure. I am always trying to keep what I say neutral because my intentions with everyone are to be a loving friend. Someone I needed at my worst. Someone that I had during my worst days. I find my strength in my loved ones around me.
Since this is my page and hardly anyone comes on here anyways, I think it’s time to be more honest and raw. Maybe it could help someone someday. We are all battling demons that some may or may not be talking about. I want to be an outlet for the lost. I see the good in everyone and until they walk away from me, I want to always be someone’s somebody that helped them when they needed it. Why do I do it? Because I’ve never needed for anything. I’ve been piss poor and have always had a roof over my families head and warm meals in our tummies. A lot more than some kids in our very own home town. I can do more and want to. I strive to be like Jesus. God is good, amen and amen. Although I fail, all the time, I continue to strive forward and for the better.
Are you still here or are you lost? Chances are, some are both. Don’t feel bad, I get lost too sometimes.
Now, back to paintball. Paintball has been woven into my life for the past 3-4 years. It’s a lifestyle and can take you to places you’ve never dreamed both positive and negative. Some know our story. Some don’t. To make things clear, paintball was a life jacket to GareBear and I when we were getting sober. To say that we were alcoholics is put lightly. We are talking handles of 100 proof a night kind of bad. Well, we pulled through it, against the odds. We come from a line of alcoholics and the chips were definitely stacked against us in terms of sustaining a healthy life after childhood trauma. Our fathers passed away the same year, within 6 months of each other. We didn’t meet until a year later. Both wild and full of energy. We were also so broken. Now that we know a back story, I can dive into why I am truly writing this. I am asking the ones that love us to take us back to the beginning, when we were all still a “paintball family”. Some of you are struggling in addiction and may not see that you are drowning but just know we are here if/when you need it! When I say and hashtag Paintball Family, I mean it.
Do you know the gate that opens up Bakersfield’s own Disneyland? Aka Wolverine. We used to work hard during the week to be able to come to the field for a few hours to play and be around kick ass people. We always left our personal bull Shit at the front gate. When the Bear and I started coming out, we would come two days a week, all day long. The kids were happy and playing with their friends, I was trying to get all the action on camera and Gary was the one I was chasing on the field. Life was goooood. It took me awhile to get to know everyone but when I did, I fell in love with everyone and paintball. It’s not just paintball for me, it’s much, more. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt over the past few years because I didn’t see that I was wanting the same level of love in return and I didn’t get it at times. I didn’t understand that some of them just couldn’t give me the same in return and I am finally ok with it. Paintball helped GareBear and I out of depression. Each and everyone of you who know us from the field have aided in that. It’s about laughing with your friends, it’s being able to physically hug someone genuinely. We all had one thing in common, paintball. Nothing else mattered and everyone made sure it stayed that way. I can cry thinking about all the times we traveled with all the different teams Gary played on, so many good times. We’ve been to so many different fields. The love for paintball is alive and thriving. Some people have just allowed depression and darkness to ruin some of those moments. My love for paintball is rooted in loving the ones who play. I don’t play very often so I am not specifically talking about just the sport. The people. The smiles and laughter. The intentions were true. I’m not going to give up on paintball or the Wolverine, I am going to keep that candle burning. I know there are people who still love me the same and still want our “family” back together. No one is lost when I am near. I love you all so much, more than you will ever know. I also mourn for people who are no longer in my paintball life. Anyways, let’s get back to the normal. 2021 season is about to start and I want whoever reads this to go out and have a kick ass start to the season. Just remember there will always be competition, people who don’t like you and drama. It’s up to you on whether you will allow it to continue with you, or stop with you. Thanks for coming to my Tash Talk. Love you all.
BlackSheeps Media 